Overcoming Self-Sabotage: 5 Strategies for Change
A common issue that brings people to therapy is noticing that they are in a pattern of self-defeating behavior. Whether that’s unhealthy relationship choices, emotional reactivity, procrastination, or addictive tendencies, the underlying sentiment is the age-old question, “Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again?” When we notice that we are repeatedly getting in our own way, despite negative consequences, the issue often at hand is self-sabotage.
What is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is when we engage in actions, behaviors, or inactions that undermine our own success or well-being. Self-sabotage can operate from both conscious and unconscious levels of awareness. Sometimes, we may be aware that our actions are not in our best interest; other times, we may not even realize we are hindering our own progress.
When your actions, behaviors, and feelings oppose what you truly want to achieve, it signals deeper emotional wounds beneath the surface. Psychologically, self-sabotage serves as a form of self-protection, a way for your nervous system to keep you safe from perceived threats.
The Emotional Downside of Self-Sabotage
One of the most painful aspects of self-sabotage is the awareness that you are hindering yourself yet feeling unable to stop. This awareness often creates inner conflict that heightens anxiety, lowers self-esteem, amplifies depression, and undermines self-trust. We can start to feel as if something is wrong with us, as we are repeatedly not acting in our best interest. Negative self-talk, such as “there must be something wrong with me” and “I’m not good enough,” becomes more commonplace, limiting our capacity to understand what drives our behavior. This can create a cycle of long-standing pain and internal conflict.
Recognizing Self-Sabotage: Signs to Watch for
Self-sabotage can manifest in both obvious and subtle ways. Here are some signs to look out for:
Procrastination/Avoidance: Putting off tasks until the last minute or avoiding difficult emotions and situations altogether.
Relationship Issues: Picking fights, creating distance in relationships, or repeatedly choosing emotionally unavailable partners.
Emotional Reactivity: Acting impulsively, self-medicating with food or substances, and struggling to regulate your emotions.
Overcommitting: Taking on too much responsibility, leading to feelings of depletion, neglecting your own needs, or forgetting important tasks.
Negative Self-Talk: Experiencing intrusive anxious thoughts and engaging in self-criticism.
Understanding Self-Sabotage is Self-Protection
Self-sabotage is often a reflection of deeper inner pain that is not fully processed. As painful as it is, it is our psyche’s attempt to self-protect. Acting in a way that predetermines your failure or halts your success. From a trauma-informed perspective, these behaviors are often decoys for deeper feelings we are afraid we don’t have the capacity to feel.
An example might be that a part of you deeply desires a committed, loving relationship. You meet someone with all the qualities you're looking for—kind, caring, and emotionally available. But as the relationship starts to get more serious, you find yourself picking fights over small things, withdrawing emotionally, or becoming overly critical of your partner. Eventually, this leads to the relationship ending.
At first, it might seem like you weren’t truly ready for commitment, but this self-sabotage is often driven by deeper fears, like fear of abandonment or rejection. If you’ve been hurt in past relationships or have unhealed abandonment wounds, you may have developed an unconscious belief that you’re unworthy of love or that closeness will inevitably bring pain. To protect yourself from that potential hurt, your mind steps in and sabotages the relationship before you can get hurt again. This is how your psyche tries to keep you safe, even if it creates more pain in the long run.
Underlying these issues is a need to be in control, which can offer us a false sense of security. In this way, we become the masters of our own suffering. It gives us a false sense of control because we can take ownership of our behavior.
How to Break the Cycle of Self-Sabotage: Strategies For Lasting Change
Identify Repeated Patterns
Pay attention to recurring themes or behaviors that hinder your progress. Ask yourself where you might be re-enacting old scenarios in your life. Pinpoint specific areas or relationships where these patterns show up the most often. Reflect on your emotions before, during, and after to uncover the emotional cycle of your behavior. For instance you might notice you have a tendency to sabotage yourself following positive feelings or thoughts related to things being “too good to be true.”Learn to Regulate Your Nervous System
Understand the state of your nervous system and how it relates to self-defeating behaviors. Are you sabotaging from a state of fight, flight, or freeze? Learning mindfulness skills can help create a space between your thoughts and actions, reducing impulsivity. Learning to navigate out of freeze mode will empower you to take action instead of remaining stuck.Uncover and Heal Underlying Wounds
Consider therapy or educational resources to uncover your faulty belief systems and early childhood wounds that shape your thoughts and behaviors. Self-sabotage often stems from a desire to master past suffering. Addressing unprocessed wounds is crucial for healing.Explore Vulnerability and Emotional Risk
Examine how your comfort or discomfort with vulnerability relates to your self-defeating behaviors. Identify your capacity for emotional risk and examine surrounding narratives. What do you stand to lose or gain if you stop getting in your own way? Understanding this dynamic can help you navigate your fears and move toward healthier behaviors.Increase Self-Compassion Through Parts Work
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy suggests that our psyche consists of multiple parts, each with its own goals and intentions. Engaging with these parts can help you connect with the wounded aspects of yourself and promote healing. Consider finding a therapist familiar with IFS. If you’re not ready for therapy yet, there are resources available to explore this approach on your own.
From Self-Sabotage to Self-Love: Your Journey Towards Growth
Self-sabotage is a complex behavior often rooted in deeper emotional wounding. By identifying and addressing these underlying wounds, you can break free from this cycle and cultivate self-love, confidence, empowerment, and self-compassion. Remember that self-sabotage is self-protection and a part of you - not the whole of who you are. Healing is rarely a linear journey but by nurturing a deeper understanding of yourself and practicing self-compassion, you enhance your ability to overcome self-sabotage and move toward the highest version of yourself.